“If I can just solve this problem, or reach this goal, then I can take care of myself and my relationships”
“My business life is one thing and my personal life is another”
It is like a mirage in the desert or “destination happiness” We are struggling, dehydrated and alone and we see an oasis and we think just two more steps, keep going, keep going, we force and we struggle. But the closer we get the further away it seems to get.
Constantly shifting the goalposts. Always saying the next thing is the one.
Not taking the time to arrive at the oasis and bathe in its water.
We get into a cycle as an achiever CREATE, CONQUER NEXT
But when does it end? This is where exhaustion and even burnout happen.
How about instead of moving the goalposts every time, stick to your initial decision? Allow yourself to reach and enjoy a target.
You are an achiever, there will always be a next thing. It is in the design.
You may as well accept it and enjoy the journey! Stop delaying the gratification because you will never get ‘there’ and realise the journey IS the destination.
When we feel stuck we can often throw ourselves into our work because at work we get the plaudits, we move the needle, and we get the pat on the back where as we often don’t know how to do this in our personal lives.
We don’t segment our lives, we are human beings, work you is still home you.
For so long as a culture/society of men, we were told there was pride in the struggle and hustle, in how much pain you could tolerate that is what makes a “real” man.
It seems backward, don’t we want less pain and better quality of life?
It is very easy by default to buy into the masculine energy and hustle and grind, but the question still comes up and it is tough to answer from that place “What does it look like to be an amazing husband and what does that mean for me?”
Ask the question, make up your own mind and be that person.
If you do this, your energy changes. You show up differently.
You can’t take your business energy and thinking into your relationship.
The woman in your life doesn’t want to be worked out, strategised and solved, it is a different energy required. She wants to be seen, heard and loved.
It is still a masculine energy but a different type.
Try writing out the roles you have: Father, Son, Husband etc and write what you are in those roles, and write down the KPIs (Key performance indicators) of these roles.
Try and discover what is expected of you in these roles and ask
Can I meet them?
Do I want to meet them?
Am I prepared to put in the work to go through my own growth to meet them?
It is so important to know our roles and know that we are effective and performing them well.
You may be more into personal growth than your partner, sometimes people just aren't that way.
Approach them by saying that you love them and you are committed to being the best man I can be for you, can you help me to do that? (It nearly always works)
Another approach is the “Love Tank”
Ask your partner, on a scale of 1-10 or 1-5 how full is your love tank right now? You may be surprised by the answer but it will help know where you are at.
We all know that guy who acts like they have it all together, who pretends their business is thriving and hides that their relationships are crumbling and pretends the two can exist in harmony together.
I have been that guy.
Start to bring a vulnerability to your relationships, be ok with saying “I don’t fucking know the answer” What it takes to be a great husband, son etc, so being able to surrender to asking the question, asking them to help you out with the answer. THAT is powerful.
It takes real strength to show yourself to others and ask these questions.
Think of three relationships which you have the meat angst and chaos with right now.
Pick up your mobile RIGHT NOW and text them this question
“What is it like to be in a relationship with me?”
We create so much tension and resistance to some of life's simplest things, to human connection.
We think that as men we can’t ask these questions because it would reveal us, it would mean we don’t know. But without questioning, without being willing to admit we don’t know then we are condemning ourselves to operating in a place of weaker performance as husbands, fathers and men.
These simple questions can open up amazing shifts if you are willing to be seen.
Push past the rules and resistance and labels.
It can be one of the most empowering experiences in your life.
I know it was in mine
Experiment, enjoy and commit.